The McQuaids Don't Write Poetry
by jwmathias
Summary: An amusing vignette in which the McQuaids do their homework.


**21 Jump Street**

**The McQuaids Don't Write Poetry**

* * *

Adam Fuller approached the large wooden conference table in the bullpen with the intention of conducting the usual end of watch debriefing. He wasn't expecting to find Tom Hanson and Doug Penhall taking up the entire surface, covering with cut up magazines, construction paper, magic markers, scissors, glue and glitter. Glitter? 

"Ah, fellas –?"

"Homework," Hanson said as if it explained everything.

"Uh huh."

"English Comp," Penhall added, gluing a picture of football players in mid-tackle, cut from one of the magazines, to a piece of hot pink construction paper.

Hanson started to sort through the debris. "Where's my picture of Weissmuller?"

"What?"

"I had a picture of Johnny Weissmuller. I need it."

"Who's Johnny Weissmuller?" Penhall asked, innocently.

It was one of those moments, one of those comments, where one of his young officers unknowing made the captain feel really old. If they asked who Audie Murphy was, he'd be forced to slap whoever asked.

"He was Tarzan in the movies. And an Olympic swimmer, got a bunch of gold medals," put in Harry Ioki as he approached the table and took in the chaos.

"Really? Never heard of him."

"That's because you're a heathen. Ah, there you are Johnny, my boy!" Hanson said as he found his coveted black and white photo of the Olympian. He glued it carefully to a light blue piece of construction paper – far more appropriate than Penhall's Steelers on hot pink. He then surrounded the picture with a ring of glue, which he then liberally sprinkled with the glitter.

"Is he still alive?" Ioki asked, clearing a place for himself.

"Who?" Judy Hoffs asked coming late to the table.

"Johnny Weissmuller. He died a couple of years ago," Hanson answered both their questions as he took up a magic marker and began to copy something from a sheet of notebook paper onto the construction paper.

"Oh, he was cute –" Hoffs remarked. She picked up Penhall's 'footballers on hot pink' and began to study it.

"Oh, I get it. It's poetry book time in English class."

"It's due tomorrow and it's half our semester grade. We have to turn in something," was Penhall's explanation.

"And you're turning in Clash lyrics."

"Of course. The McQuaids don't write poetry."

"Let me guess, Hanson, you'll be submitting The Cure –" Harry quipped.

"I was thinking Elvis Costello. _Watching The Detectives _would be a great example of poetic irony, dontcha think?"

"It would be, if we were cops, but we're not –"

Right on cue and without looking up, Hanson joined his partner in the traditional "We're the McQuaid Brothers! HA!" battlecry.

"You're right," Hanson admitted but his disappointment was evident. "Queen?"

"_Fat Bottom Girls! _Perfect!_"_

"Not perfect. Have you looked at Ms. Roth lately?"

"I have. Perfect!"

"No."

"Thank you," Judy said. "If you want Queen, what about _Don't Stop Me Now_? Great lyrics and it wasn't that big of a hit. You might just get away with it."

"How's it go?"

"You know, Penhall –" straightening in her chair, Judy sang out in her clear, sweet soprano the softly dramatic opening to the song:

_-- 'Tonight, I'm gonna have myself a real good time,_

_-- I feel al-i-i-i-ive_

_-- And the world is turning inside out_

_-- I'm floating around in ecstasy, so –_

_-- Don't stop me now_

_--Don't stop me"_

Almost as if they had planned it ahead of time, the men joined her as the song started to rock, head thrashing and all. 

_-- "Cause I'm having a good time_

_-- Having a good time!_

Their enthusiasm petered out quickly. Other than Judy, none of them were much as singers, not really, a fact they all seemed to become aware of at once.

"Freddy Mercury – is -- a genius."

"This from a man who just two years ago thought the only queen to come out of England was Elizabeth," Penhall said. Then he realized what he said. "You know what I mean!"

Ioki chuckled. "Did either of you write _any_ poetry? Or are you just going to turn in song lyrics?"

"I did. Here." Hanson handed Ioki a piece of paper with his one original poem for the booklet.

"You wrote a poem? But, the McQuaids don't write poetry!" Doug protested.

"Tommy does. What do you think, Harry?"

"I – think – you've managed to use every variation of the f-word I've ever heard of. No. Wait. This one's new."

"Which one?" Hanson asked leaning over so he could see the poem, too. Ioki pointed out a word near the bottom of the page.

"Ah, my personal favorite."

Harry went back to reading. "Okay. Never heard this one before, either."

Judy looked over at the poem. "Oh, I heard Doug call someone that once. I think it was Hanson."

Doug grabbed the paper and began to read aloud. "_An Ode to the F-Word by Tommy McQuaid –_ you actually wrote 'f-word' –"

"I thought I'd start gently. Do you see? I made it rhyme, too."

"I see that. And you found something to rhyme with 'nozzle'. I'm impressed."

"Hey, Captain," Ioki called out to his retreating captain, "aren't we going to debrief?"

"When you kids finish your homework." With that Fuller closed the door to his office with himself inside. Immediately he started to laugh, though he did so as quietly as he could. What Hanson and Penhall didn't come up with sometimes . . . .

"Did he just call us 'kids'?"

Doug gave Tom back his poem andpointed to one of the lines. "I think this is the word you're looking for."

"Can't go wrong with the classics."

End.

* * *

**Authors notes/credits**: In case anyone didn't know, or if anyone cared:

1. Johnny Wiessmuller won 5 gold medals in Olympic swimming, competing in 1924 & 1928. He then went on to become an actor, most famous for playing Tarzan. He died in January 1984 at the age of 79.

2. Audie Murphy was the most decorated American soldier in WWII, receiving 33 awards/medals including the Medal of Honor, all by the age of 21. He later starred in 40 movies, mostly westerns.

3. The Clash were a punk/rock group of the 70's and 80's and considered among the pioneers of the genre.

4. The Cure was an early 'goth' rock/pop group famous in the 70's & 80's and one of the groups the so-called 'cool kids' listened to.

5. Elvis Costello was, and remains, _the man_, an eclectic singer/songwriter from the 70's to the present. His song _Watching the Detectives _was written by Mr. Costello and appears on his debut album _My Aim is True_ (1977). Curiously, a variation of it is used as the theme song for the current PBS series _History Detectives._

6. Queen was (in case you've been living under a rock g> ) a very dynamic and immensely popular still, UK band of the 70's, 80's & early 90's. They were dramatic, cheeky, rockin', innovative and just one of the most damned creative groups in rock music. The song _Fat Bottom Girls _was written by lead guitarist Brian May and appeared on the album _Jazz _(1978)_. Don't Stop Me Now, _came from the same album but was written by lead singer Freddy Mercury. Sadly, Mr. Mercury died in November 1991.

20 Oct 2005


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